Tête à tête With Tom
by knuckz
Summary: It's easy to cheat on tests when you have a very knowledgeable Dark Lord only a mind's connection away. Oneshot. Winner of the DLP April Humor Competition!


Tête-à-tête With Tom  
>By knuckz<p>

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Summary: It's easy to cheat on tests when you have a very knowledgeable Dark Lord only a mind's connection away. Oneshot.

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"Hey Tom, do you kn- HOLY CRAP, what're you doing!"

This was Harry Potter. At an undisclosed year of age, Harry Potter was a teenage schoolboy that attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, probably the most recognised wizard schoolboy of his time. Famous for surviving an assassination attempt at the age of one, which consequently led to the downfall of a Dark Lord at his hands, Harry was well-known even before the first time he entered Wizarding society.

"Potter!" Voldemort exclaimed in surprise, "Wh- what have I told you about spying on me!"

Voldemort, once known as Tom Riddle, was the Dark Lord in question, one that had brought terror to the land years and years ago, until he was defeated by the year old Harry Potter. He was pretty much the laughingstock of the Confederation of Dark Lords (if they existed, that is). And he tried too hard, really.

Harry shook his head as if trying to get an image out of his head.

"Tom, she's just a _little girl_." Harry told the man, "Have some decency, man."

"Blame yourself. You _know_ I'm a Dark Lord." Voldemort replied defensively. And such was the gist of a normal conversation between the two.

Their story was quite long, full of hatred on both sides, but to put it shortly, Harry Potter and the Dark Lord Voldemort had a mental link through which they could speak to one another because of a Killing Curse gone bad.

At first, Voldemort was able to use that connection to send Harry falsified visions and for other instances of general torment… that is, until Harry found out that he was also able to use the connection. And that was when Voldemort discovered the true downside of having a mind's connection with a teenager: they were _bloody_ annoying.

"You know, Tom, you try way too hard man." Harry told him, only pretending to pay attention in class as he mentally conversed with his worst enemy, "I mean, I'm sure you have standards to keep, being a Dark Lord and all… but really? I've seen you do some pretty sick things, but… she's probably like seven years old man."

"I am an _evil_ man, Potter. I do _evil_ things." Voldemort replied patronizingly, "What part of _evil_ do you not understand?"

"Yeah yeah, I get that whole evil shtick you have going on, but even evil people have some semblance of morals." Harry told him, "You just can't do that to little girls."

Harry could hear him grumbling on the other side of the connection. Smirking, Harry hid his amusement as he continued the chastisement of the Dark Lord.

"What kind of a sick fuck would rip the head off the teddy bear of a sweet and innocent seven year old girl?" Harry said, having to actively stop himself from bursting out in laughter.

"What can I say?" Voldemort replied, and Harry could almost hear the smirk in his voice, "The cries of children help put me to sleep."

Unable to hold it in any longer, Harry burst out in laughter.

"What's so funny, Potter?" Voldemort asked, sounding a bit annoyed at being laughed at.

"Seriously Tom?" Harry said in between laughs, "Ripping the heads off of dolls?"

"What's wrong with that?" Voldemort asked.

"Well, if that's your idea of torture..." Harry said, still chuckling, "You're not exactly the Caligula of today. That's pretty pathetic, Tom, being outdone by a Muggle."

"Well, if you must know, Potter," Voldemort informed him, "I'm making her cry as part of a ritual that will use her as a sacrifice to summon a demon who'll then rape her continuously until she loses all semblance of self before painfully consuming her alive."

Harry's humourous mood died away immediately as he took in what was going to happen to that little girl.

There was a brief silence between the two before Voldemort spoke up.

"So..." he said, nonchalantly, "What did you want to know?"

"I... I need to go." Harry said, hoarsely. Voldemort smirked when he felt the mind's link close.

"What a gullible idiot." The Dark Lord commented. He erupted in high pitched cackles as the little girl cried when he ripped off the head of another pony doll.

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Harry had to hold back from laughing aloud, lest he disturb his classmates during dinner. Still, his body shook with contained humour, pretending to laugh at the lame jokes of his companions.

In his head however, he laughed as hard as he could.

"WHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Shut up, Potter, it's not funny." Voldemort said, grumbling something unintelligible under his breath.

"Man, you've got some really stupid Death Eaters, Tom." Harry said, amused.

"It's mostly just Bellatrix." Voldemort replied, "She always did have a few screws loose."

"Your followers really think that you're a monster, huh?" Harry asked.

"Just because I'm an evil Dark Lord doesn't mean that I'd want to eat a newborn baby for dinner." Voldemort said, sounding upset at the thought, "And she's seen me eat regular food. Why would she offer to kidnap a pregnant woman for me to eat the foetus out of?"

"That's one crazy bitch." Harry said, chuckling aloud at Bellatrix's antics.

"What's so funny, Harry?" Hermione asked, but Harry didn't appear to hear her.

"Potter, I think the Mudblood is talking to you." Voldemort said, but Harry ignored him.

"Why do you keep Bellatrix around if she's so fucking crazy?" Harry asked. He could feel the mental equivalent of a shrug from Voldemort.

"She's useful sometimes." He said, "And she's hot."

"That's not a good reason." Harry argued, "Crazy chicks aren't worth it, even if they are hot."

"Well, why do you keep that Mudblood around?" Voldemort retorted, "She seems pretty damn annoying."

"Well, I guess she's useful... sometimes." Harry said, trailing off. He could almost hear the smirk on Voldemort's face.

"And?"

"But Hermione's not _that_ hot." Harry argued, "She's... man, fuck you Tom."

"Look, all I'm saying is that it doesn't hurt to keep loyal hot chicks around, even if they're fucking crazy like Bellatrix." Tom pointed out, "And she's great at relieving my sexual tension."

Harry furrowed his eyebrows at that.

"Hold on... she's married to Lestrange."

"Doesn't stop me, doesn't stop her, and if he tries anything, I'll just torture and kill him." Voldemort said matter-of-factly.

"And what about your-"

"Shut up, Potter! We agreed that we'd never talk about that again!" Voldemort said, cutting him off.

"But I'm just say-"

"Shut your mouth, Potter!"

"Hey, don't blame me because you were resurrected with-"

"Shut-"

"-out a pe-"

"Up!"

"-nis. It's what you get for using dark rituals."

"And what about you and the Mudblood? Don't tell me you've never used her?" Voldemort continued, ignoring Harry's comment.

"We only did it once and we've never talked about it again. And regular people don't just use women- well, some people do, but the point is- why am I even talking to you about this? Harry said, cutting off his blabbering before he gave the Dark Lord too much ammunition to make fun of him with, "All I can tell you is that you should probably get rid of Bellatrix before she goes even more over the deep end than she already is."

"You just don't get it, Potter."

"Master," Bellatrix's voice cut in, "I've readied your bath. I poured the blood and fluids of a pregnant Muggle woman into the tub and have set aside the placenta to use as soap, a bath befitting the Dark Lord if I may say so."

Harry could hear a long and suffering sigh from Voldemort. He waited from what he knew would be his point.

"Potter?"

"Yep." Harry said, grinning.

"...you may have a point."

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"Hey Tom?"

Voldemort sighed at the contact from his worst enemy.

"Leave me." Harry heard him say, ordering whatever Death Eater in the room away that they could talk without interruption.

"What is it now, Potter?"

"Have you ever wondered how we- uhn- came into existence?" Harry asked. Voldemort rolled his eyes.

"It's called reproduction. And why did you just grunt?"

"Call it whatever you want, but don't you find it so- hn- wondrous that our bodies are so complex?" Harry said, blowing heavily, "I mean, the way that everything works in tandem. If you really think about it, it's so much -kh- more miraculous than even magic."

"What the hell are you talking about Potter? And why do you keep grunting?" Voldemort asked, annoyed, "Look, I've got people to murder. Will you hurry it up?"

"I'm just saying." Harry replied, biting his lip, "Uh! Take for example, when we eat food. Our bodies absorb most of the nutrients and shoves the rest away. And we defecate that bad stuff away."

"Wha- what the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm just saying. The existence of shit is pretty miraculous if you think about it." Harry continued, "It expels most of the bad stuff in your body in one- ah- go."

Voldemort quieted down, suspicious of what the boy was hinting at. Focusing his mind, he felt a sense of amusement deep within the boy's mind. Voldemort immediately made the connection.

"Potter?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you taking a shit right now?"

There was a pause.

"...no."

"I hate you so much."

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"Hey Potter?"

"Not now, Tom." Harry replied, panting.

"Quick question."

"Not _now_, Tom." Harry replied again, "I'm in the middle of something here."

Voldemort grinned when he realized what exactly Harry was doing.

"Who's the girl you're currently using?" the man asked.

"I'm not using her, we're having sex with each other." Harry replied, getting annoyed with the man at his interruptions at such a crucial time, "And her name is Kathryn..."

"You don't seem sure." Voldemort asked, amused.

"Yes I'm sure, and will you get the fuck out of my head?" Harry snarled at him.

"Just let me ask you one question. One quick question and I'll leave." Voldemort proposed to the busy teenager.

"Fine! Just ask and get the fuck out of here." Harry snapped at him. He would soon regretting giving Voldemort that chance.

"Would you mind terribly if I used a dark ritual to resurrect your mother's body and used her for my sexual pleasure?" Voldemort asked, his chest shaking in laughter. Concentrating, the Dark Lord sent Harry an image of what he imagined Lily Potter might look like in the nude and while engaging in sexual intercourse... from the man's perspective.

Harry almost threw up.

"Harry?" Voldemort heard a bleary feminine voice, "Why'd you stop?"

"Ah, yeah, sorry Kathryn." Harry replied automatically, taking deep breathes to clear his mind.

"What was that?" the girl said sharply, "Did you just call me Kathryn? My name is Mary."

"What?" Harry said, unconvincingly, "No, I said Mary."

"I heard you say Kathryn. You said 'sorry _Kathryn_'." the girl said, her ire rising, "Just who is Kathryn?"

"Kath- Mary, that's crazy talk."

There was a brief silence between the two lovers before Harry spoke up again.

"Well, it was fun while it lasted?" Harry asked, trying to laugh it off. The Dark Lord heard a resounding slap that echoed through the room as well a door being slammed shut.

Voldemort couldn't help it; he roared in laughter.

"You've got a way with women, Potter." he said, in between laughs.

"Just shut up."

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The end

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If you've read this far hoping to see a scene where Harry cheats on a test with Voldemort's help because that was what the summary said…

And if you were hoping that I was just about to give you an explanation of why there wasn't any such scene…

Please remember to review!


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